“Father God, here I am. Send me.” Those few words are so hard to pray. Yes, I want to do God’s will and reach others for Christ, but what if He sends me to Africa? Or to Asia? Or to some other foreign land that I’m not comfortable in… what if He just wants to use me here at home…

I have known for quite some time that God wanted to use how He has worked in my life to reach those people that need to hear it (or read it in this case). I finally gave in a few days before I started this blog site.

I had no doubts nor was I scared to allow God to use my experiences of adversity in my life and how He brought me through them. Growing up, I watched my precious daddy live his life for God everyday. Daddy could have given up and wallowed in his sicknesses, but he didn’t. As I wrote in another blog, Daddy was a bi-vocational pastor. He was called to his first church when I was an infant and he was still preaching and using the Lord to help him lead a church until the day he changed his address to the streets of gold in Heaven. In between his first church and his last, he had a massive heart attack at the very early age of 38 years old. He was told he would not survive 2 months. A few years later, he found out he had renal cell carcinoma (cancer in his kidney) which moved to his lungs. A few years after that he had to have bi-pass surgery where we were surprised to find out during the surgery that he had an aneurism in his heart that actually blew as soon as he was put on the heart and lung machine. With God’s help, the surgeon was able to patch the hole in his heart and perform the 5 bi-passes.

To look at my daddy, you would never know that he was sick a day in his life. What a testimony to me!! Without knowing, Daddy taught me how to face and overcome health adversities. I did not realize that I would have to use what he taught me, but not too long after I got married my health issues began.

I am not going to go into details about my health right now, other than to tell you that I have thyroid disease, diabetes, psoriasis, psoriatic arthritis, cirrhosis of the liver, sleep apnea, chronic anemia, metabolic syndrome, etc. People ask me all the time, “how do you deal with so much?” My answer is most always, “by the grace of God.” I have this theory that if I keep a smile on my face, it makes me feel better. Try it. Especially when you are having a bad day.

Like I said earlier, I have felt the Lord telling me that He had a plan for my life, that even though He didn’t not give me the diseases, He can use them to reach out to others with the same issues.

Following God’s path may not always be easy, and you may tell him, “here I am Lord. Send me. Use me.” And He may send you across the world, or He may want to use you right where you are. You will never know unless you offer yourself to do His work.

1 CHRONICLES 16:24 Declare his glory among the nations,

    his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

Have you ever had anything happen to you that you couldn’t explain? The doctors couldn’t even explain what caused it? Well, I have.

Two years ago right before Thanksgiving, I had been cooped up in the house quilting a quilt for my mom and I was going stir crazy. It was a gorgeous Friday. The temperature was cool and the sun was shining, so I decided to go to the lake and quilt in the swing that is on the pier.

I had not eaten anything all day so I took some peanut butter crackers with me. I started to get heart burn, I thought it was the kind of heart burn that you can get from an empty stomach, so I ate the crackers and got a bottle of water out of the little fridge that was on the pier. The crackers and water didn’t help with the heartburn.

The heartburn got worse and worse so I decided to pack up and go home. I wasn’t worried that it was my heart at all because the pain was going from the middle of my chest through my back and into my right shoulder. It was the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. I ended up trying to sleep in the recliner but that didn’t work either so I ended up in the bed around 2 am. I finally fell asleep sometime after that and slept until my husband woke me up at 4:30 am to kiss me bye. He was heading to work.

When he woke me, I was on my back with the covers pulled up and I was holding the cover with my right hand (right elbow bent). I realized that my shoulder was hurting and I couldn’t move it. I could move my arm at the elbow but I could not move my shoulder in any direction. My daughter later told me I had T-Rex arms. Thanks Meg!! (And I still had the heartburn.)

I needed help but I didn’t want to wake my daughter up. I laid there for 2 hours crying until I finally had enough. I woke my daughter up and told her to drive me to the EMS house in town. (I felt like I needed to go to the ER but if I arrived by car, I would have to wait a really long time, so I decided to go by ambulance.)

We got to the EMS house in town about 7 am. Obviously, we woke them up and they were not happy. They were not helpful in any way. They even told me that I would be much more comfortable riding in my own car to the ER. It was apparent they thought I was crazy.

I left there and was going to go home until Megan (my daughter) begged me to go to the hospital. I agreed to go to the ER in the next town over because I didn’t want to wait for hours just to be seen.

When we got to the ER, they got me right on back to see the doctor but within 3 hours, I could not move any limb on my body. I was in excruciating pain. They performed multiple tests on me but could come up with nothing. They called my rheumatologist and he told them to knock me out until they could figure out what was happening.

I do not remember much from the next 2 days. They were rotating morphine and dilaudid. Morphine did not touch the pain but the dilaudid was wonderful and my new best friend. Lol

I had never experienced anything like this before. To give you an idea of how bad it was, if my legs started aching in the position they were in, I could not move them. Someone else had to move them to a new position. I was basically paralyzed.

I stayed in the small hospital until Sunday night when they decided I was too big of a case for them and they sent me by ambulance to a large hospital in the city. I really hated to leave the small hospital because everyone took such great care of me and when I got to the big hospital, they really didn’t understand the pain I had been in.

They consulted with a local rheumatologist and he consulted with my rheumatologist and they came up with a plan of giving me massive doses of steroids to get me moving on my own. Steroids are great for pain and stuff but the side effects are horrible. Pretty soon after the huge doses of these steroids, my body started moving again and the pain was subsiding. I still couldn’t walk without help, but I could walk.

When I was released from the hospital on the following Wednesday, I had a new friend… a cane. I was 42 years old and walking with a cane. There was no diagnosis and no doctor could explain why my body decided to shut down. This was the first time I was truly scared about my health. I was scared it would happen again. If they had been able to give me a diagnosis, or a reason for the paralysis, I think I would have been ok mentally and emotionally. I did not immediately go to God, the Great Physician, with this, I tried to figure it out on my own. I did not pray for healing. I just kept it instead of giving it over to Him.

I do not know why I didn’t even consider giving it over to Him because He had previously done miraculous things in my life and in lives around me. I am human and I suppose I thought I could handle it.

Me handling it on my own didn’t work out like I planned. Then one day I heard God urge me to give it over to Him and I did, mostly. I have a bad habit of giving it to Him and then taking part or all of it back. When I look back on it I realize that is just crazy of me because He can move mountains just by speaking, and what can I do? Nothing!

When I finally gave it over to the Great Physician, it wasn’t long before I no longer had to use the cane. I was able to wean off the steroids, and still walk!! WOW WHAT A MIRACLE!!

GOD WANTS US TO GIVE HIM EVERY PROBLEM WE HAVE, WHETHER IT BE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, OR EMOTIONAL. HE HAS TAKEN CARE OF MY PROBLEMS OVER AND OVER AND I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME REMEMBERING TO GIVE MY PROBLEMS OVER TO HIM. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY; HOWEVER, MY GOD IS SO PATIENT. HE LOVES US SO MUCH THAT HE IS WILLING TO WAIT FOR US TO COME TO HIM. I’VE HEARD THIS FACT MY WHOLE LIFE: “GOD DOES NOT STRAY AWAY OR MOVE AWAY FROM US, WE ARE THE ONES THAT MOVE AWAY FROM HIM.” I AM WORKING ON STAYING CLOSE TO HIM BUT I AM STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” ~ Jeremiah 33:6

During my last semester in college, my first nephew was born. My sister and her husband lived next door and across the street from my dorm so I saw him everyday. I was in love with him!! I could not imagine loving any child as much as I loved him!

It was just a few months after he was born that my sister and family moved to Fort Worth Texas for her hubs to attend seminary. I was devastated!! I missed that little guy so much that when I graduated from college, I went to a job temp service and applied for jobs in Fort Worth. I didn’t have a plan other than being near my nephew.

Within the first week after I applied for temporary jobs the HR person called me for a permanent job opening. OMG!! I was in Louisiana and they wanted me to come in for an interview for this medical manufacturing company. I had a degree in office administration and “experience” in a computer program called Lotus 123. (I say “experience” because even though I took the Lotus 123 class, one of my friends did all of my work. I passed with an A 🤓.)

I packed a bag and went to Fort Worth TX for my interview. When I get there the first bit of information I find out is that I am interviewing for a job assisting the production manager using the computer program…Lotus 123! No joke!! The first thing that went through my mind was “SERIOUSLY LORD? Man You have a wicked sense of humor!!”

Apparently I faked it well enough that I got the job!! So now I had to find an apartment, pack my stuff, and move. It all happened so fast I felt like I was in a whirlwind!! Of course I wasn’t and the reason it happened so fast was because God knew my heart and knew I wanted to be closer to my nephew.

When I started the job, I had to find my college Lotus 123 book and learn how to do it, and do it in a hurry! I learned pretty quickly how to put together the formulas that would tell my boss how much of certain materials he would need to process an order of an exact number of finished products for the customer. I really enjoyed my job and I loved living in my own apartment in Fort Worth but my favorite thing was that I lived within 10 minutes of my nephew (and directly across the street from the best mall in Fort Worth).

About 8 months after I started my job, the company I worked for was sold to a larger company. Most of the time when an established company buys out another company, they go in and get rid of 90% of the employees and put their own employees in those positions. My boss got laid off, I lost my office and they moved me to the production floor in a cubicle (which didn’t really bother me because most of my friends from work were on the production line). My new boss was not very friendly. He seemed to think he was better than everyone else, including me. Anyone that knows me knows it is hard to intimidate me, and if you are able to intimidate me, it really chaps my hide. Lol.

Apparently my new boss had the task of getting rid of the production line and anyone else that made it through the transition. One day he came to my cubicle with a handful of papers. He hands them to me and as I look at them I notice they each have a different worker’s name on the page and that each page is a letter of reprimand. I also notice that every one of them are post dated for different dates, but all from before the takeover. My boss told me to type the letters of reprimand and file them in they employee’s file. I was shocked. I suppose I was raised very sheltered but I had never been confronted with such a dilemma.

I could not bring myself to type the letters. When I refused to type the letters, my boss had someone mess around with my formulas on my production spread sheet and I could not find the error. I looked and looked but it was well hidden.

I was scheduled to go before the big boss with my production spreadsheet to show him our production planning and finished product information the next day. I printed the spreadsheet formulas and took it home and went over it with a “fine tooth comb” and still could not find the problem. Needless to say my meeting went horribly and I got fired.

Obviously, I was very upset. I knew I had been set up to fail. I realized my time in Fort Worth was over. I would greatly miss my friends and most especially my nephew. I didn’t have the best attitude about having to move back home.

After moving home, I started a new job and moved up pretty quickly, I was in no way a high position, but I was moving up. Little by little, I saw Gods plan for my life and I settled in and am so happy the end resulted in a wonderful life. I have kept in touch with some of my friends in Fort Worth and I will always have those friendships.

Years later as I reflect on the way my time in Fort Worth ended I realize several things. First, when in college, if you have a class, do the work yourself. You never know what you will need to be able to do in a job. Second, I do not ever want to work for a corrupt company, which I consider the company I was working for. Third, if things had not worked out the way they did, I would not have met my husband and would not have the blessed life I have now.

God’s path for us is the best path. To follow His path is like walking across a solid concrete bridge. Where following our own path is like trying to walk across an old rickety swing bridge.

JEREMIAH 29:11< strong>For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

When I was in the 11th grade, my sister got married.  It was a beautiful wedding and she was a gorgeous bride and her fiance’ was a handsome young man.  He did, however, show his hiney at the rehearsal dinner… no he wasn’t rude or anything, but his pants split from the cleaners starching and pressing them too hard, I guess. It was the funniest thing!

Her new husband was a pastor of a small country church and they were going to live in the parsonage. (I could describe this parsonage, but that would be a whole different blog… lol) We got my sister’s stuff all loaded up in my dad’s truck and in my mom’s car. The plan was for Dad to drive his truck with Mom, and for me to drive Mom’s car with Ike, our dog.  Mom had a big old tank for a car, (it was an Oldsmobile something or other, and it was big).  The trip was to take 2 to 2 1/2 hours or so (I can’t remember exactly).  I was following Mom and Dad, and Dad had told me that if Ike needed to potty, to flash my headlights and they would pull over. (This was before we all had cell phones.)

We had been on the road for a while and we were going through a town called Campti, Louisiana. I was be-bopping to Milli Vanilli, and Ike was asleep next to me.  I like to think I am a good driver, I check all my mirrors a lot (no, not the one on the visor…lol).  I checked my rear view mirror and there was no one behind me but something (I’m going to take a wild guess and say it was God) told me to look in the rear view mirror again about a minute later.  When I looked in it this time, there was a white Lincoln so close on my tail that I could not see the grille. All I saw was the white car and big fuzzy dice hanging on the mirror.  I had the cruise control on, but I pressed on the gas to try to go faster, unfortunately, Mom’s car hesitated and actually slowed a little, when this happened, the car hit my bumper.  I was so scared! I didn’t know what to do, so I started flashing my headlights over and over, but it seemed like Daddy didn’t see me flashing my lights, because they kept going.  I pulled over and by the time I put the car in park, the man from the white Lincoln was at my door trying to get the door open. Praise God I had my doors locked!

Ike was going crazy in my lap trying to get to the window and to the man.  (Ike was a Maltese, but I guarantee he would have tried to eat that man up!) I was scared and crying and I didn’t know what to do!  Mom and Dad were way down the road, this man was trying to get the car door open, and I had a ferocious dog in my lap! Finally Mom and Dad had turned around and were pulling up on the side of the road opposite from the side of the road I had pulled over. Dad immediately got out of the car and started coming toward us, which scared me even more, because my sweet daddy was a small man, and the man trying to get to me was tall, very scary looking, and apparently very high. I was so scared he had some kind of weapon and was going to use it on my daddy.

When Daddy got over to us he asked, “What happened?!” and the man went to the front of Mom’s car and told my dad that I had hit him.  Please understand, not one single inch of the front of Mom’s car had touched the man’s car.  He hit me from behind. My dad then came to me and I rolled down the window just a couple of inches, (because I was still scared the man would come back to me, also I did’t want Ike to get out) and asked me what happened.  When I told him what happened, the man got into his car and left in a big hurry.  After the man left, we noticed an old truck had pulled over a little ways behind the white car.  My dad went over to the truck and in it was a nice little older couple.  They had seen the whole thing and were watching to make sure I was safe.  After it was all over, I was so upset, that Mom drove her car the rest of the way.  By the way, the only damage was on the back bumper.  Mom’s car had a strip of rubber on her bumpers, and on the rubber strip on the back, there were 2 marks where his bumper hit me.

Later as I was reflecting on everything that happened, I realized that God knew this was going to happen and He had prepared a plan to save me ahead of time.  He had also sent people to watch over me.  The first part of His plan was Ike.  When Daddy told me to flash my lights if we needed to pull over for Ike.  I would never have thought to flash my lights to stop my parents.  I probably would have honked the horn, and at the distance they were at when they finally saw the lights flashing, they would not have heard the horn.  The second part of His plan, was the fact that I had locked the doors.  I never locked the doors when I drove, but I suppose He told me to lock the doors on this particular drive.  The third part of His plan was that He had sent the little old couple to watch over me.

See, even when we don’t realize it, God protects us.  I can not stand getting behind slow traffic.  That is one of my pet peeves! One day I was complaining to my mom about being behind a slowpoke, and she told me something that has stuck with me ever since.  She said, ” Sara Beth, sometimes God puts slow traffic in front of you for different reasons. Sometimes the reason could be that if you were driving at your normal speed, you might get into an accident and the slowpoke in front of you is slowing you down just enough to keep you safe.” She mentioned some other reasons, but that is the one that has always stuck with me.

PSALM 140:4 KEEP ME SAFE LORD, FROM THE HANDS OF THE WICKED, PROTECT ME FROM THE VIOLENT WHO DEVISE WAYS TO TRIP MY FEET.

My Childhood was really good!  I had the best parents I could have asked for, and an older sister that I could pester relentlessly!  We lived in a small town called Sibley, Louisiana.  Our neighborhood was formed in a U shape, and I had so many friends in my neighborhood, we played until the sun went down every day!

My dad was a bi-vocational pastor, meaning that he pastored a church part time and worked another job full time.  For his other job, he was an instructor at the Vo-Tech (as it was called back then) about 10-15 minutes north of Sibley in a city named Minden, Louisiana.  The church he pastored was also in Minden.  So yes, I was one of those kids… a PK, or preacher’s kid.

My mom worked in a town south of Sibley called Dubberly.  She was a customer service agent for a sand plant that mined sand for glass companies.  As far as I was concerned we were rich. We never talked about how much money my parents made, so  I don’t what financial class we were actually in, but I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted.  We lived in a nice house and we were a close knit family, so I was happy.

My dad would take my sister and me to Minden to school every day and this gave me even more friends.  I had friends in Minden, and in Sibley!  The trips home every day were some of the best memories I have of that particular time.  Daddy would stop at the 7-11 and we would get a snack, mine was usually chocolate donuts and an icee.  Daddy had a small red truck that we called the Tomato, and I would usually sit in between Daddy and my sister on Daddy’s briefcase.

Like I said, I had a lot of friends, but I had 1 very best friend that I would spend a ton of time with. (For privacy reasons, I’m going to call her Betsy, this is not her name though.)  I spent most weekends and a lot in the summer at Betsy’s house.  She didn’t live in Sibley, so someone would have to take me over to her house or her parents would have to come pick me up.  We did so much together!  We were both members of a swim club, and Betsy’s dad had a key to the club, so we could go after hours and swim in the middle of the night if we wanted to , which we did quite a bit.

I could not remember a time in my life that Betsy was not my friend. We were so close I called her parents Momma and Daddy.  I would add their name after Momma, so like I would call them Momma Jane and Daddy John (these are not their real names).  From before I could remember Daddy John would touch me in places that no one else ever touched me.  It didn’t strike me as odd, because I was so young when it all started, and he never hurt me.  As I got a little older, he would have me touch him.  I can honestly say that I didn’t know it was wrong.  He was Daddy John and he was telling me and showing me how to touch him so I did what he said.  He never acted like it was wrong and he never said, “Don’t tell your parents” or “Don’t tell Momma Jane”.  So it never crossed my mind that it was wrong.

I want you to understand something.  Hormones are in every child lying dormant until puberty, unless someone “wakes” them up.  He had woken up my hormones at a very young age.  The Lord created these hormones for marriage, and He created them for pleasure within the marriage.  When these hormones are awaken, it doesn’t matter what age, it gives pleasure because that is what they are for.  So yes, when he would touch me, not only did I not realize it was wrong, but I liked it.  I allowed it to happen until I was in jr high school.  I never told anyone about it, because it was just what happened when I went to Betsy’s house.

No, no other person ever touched me like that, but that still didn’t clue me in as to the fact that it was wrong.  Years later (after I was married) my dad asked me why I allowed it for so long, because to him it was completely wrong and in his normal mind, he would never even look at a child in that way! Ever! I don’t know if I was ever able to make him understand that even though no one else touched me like that, I didn’t know it was wrong.  When something that is for adults begins to happen to a child that is so young, that she doesn’t even know any better, she doesn’t know to say no, or go tell a parent or teacher.  At that time, in the early 70’s, parents didn’t know to explain things like that to children, nor did they think they needed to watch for it, especially from a family friend.

Like I said, it stopped in jr. high school, basically because the family moved. I’m sure that he found other young girls to touch.  I did not let it bother me to the point that I needed counseling, but some do.  I believe I have always been one of those people that let things roll off my back and put them out of my mind, so I don’t worry about them.  I do this with every adversity at one point or another. I never liked going through the certain part of the US where I knew they lived, so obviously, it bothered me some but not enough to do anything about it.

About 2 years ago, so probably the summer of 2016, my mother in law took my sister in law and me and all the kids on a vacation.  My daughter Megan and I rode in my car, because there was so much luggage and so many people, we needed the room. On the way home from our vacation, we had to go through the part of the US where they lived, and I felt my chest get heavy, and I knew the Lord was talking to me.  I knew it was time to forgive Daddy John.  I called information on my cell phone to get their phone number to call and see if they were home, but their number was a private number.  I started praying that the Lord would open the doors to finding where they lived and how to get in touch with them, so I could face him and let him know that I forgave him and that he did not ruin my life.

All of a sudden, doors opened up and not only did I have his number, but his address and everything.  I called my sister in law and explained that Megan and I were taking a detour and for them to go on.  Then I called the number that I had and I got the answering machine.  The devil was trying to block what the Lord was doing… but we all know that wasn’t going to work!  The Lord can move mountains… the devil can’t do anything! I left a message that I was in the area and wanted to come by and gave them my phone number for them to call me when they got the message.  I then put their address in my gps and headed that way.  When we got to their neighborhood, there was a gate.  I told God that I knew He didn’t drop all the information in my lap just for a gated community to keep me out, so I pulled my car in front of the gate and it opened.  Praise God!

I drove into their driveway and started to get out of the car, but Megan didn’t move.  I asked her if she was coming and she said, “Nope!”  I said, “Yes you are.  Get out of the car!.”  Then we walked to the front door and rang the doorbell, and a cute little dog came running to the door, then a much much older looking Daddy John came to the door and invited us in.  He then asked, “What can I do for you?”  I asked him if he recognized me, and he said no. I told him who I was and he was excited to see me.  He couldn’t believe that I was there and all grown up, and he especially couldn’t believe my daughter was all grown up either.  I asked where Momma Jane was and she wasn’t home.  She was picking up their grandkids (which I believe was another God thing because those grandkids didn’t need to hear what I was there to say).

He invited us into the living room and started visiting, talking non stop for about 15 minutes.  I soon got concerned I wouldn’t have a chance to say what I needed to say, so I prayed for the Lord to close his mouth long enough for me to talk.  lol  True to form, He answered my prayer.  I told this man I now called John that when I was little he touched me in places and in ways he should never have touched me. To which he replied, “I honestly don’t remember that, but if I did, I am truly sorry. I was not a healthy man at one time.”  I told him that I had forgiven him and that he did not ruin my life.  I told him I had a wonderful marriage and a gorgeous daughter and that I was happy.  He said that he was glad.  I also told him I was concerned that he was touching his grandchildren or other children and he assured me he wasn’t.  Do I believe him?  I don’t know but I said what the Lord put on my heart to say.

Jane got there with one of the grandchildren and we visited for a little while and then Megan and I got back on the road.  When I walked out of that house I felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me, a burden that I had no idea I had been carrying around.

After getting out of their neighborhood, I had to pull over at a gas station because I got so nervous I was shaking!  My point of this post is to show that on my own, I would have been too intimidated to face him, but I felt the Lord’s presence in that house that day.  While in the house, I was completely calm, because I had God leading me.  I am not saying that when I left the house God left me, what I am saying is that I tried to take back over afterward, and I realized just how weak I am without my Lord and Savior!

PROVERBS 3:5-6 TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND DO NOT LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING.  IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE WILL MAKE STRAIGHT YOUR PATHS.

 

DISCLAIMER:  YOU MAY FIND THIS POST KIND OF GROSS, BUT THIS IS WHAT LIVING WITH PSORIASIS IS LIKE.

When I was in elementary school, I got the chicken pox.  Like most kids with the chicken pox, I scratched and scratched (even though Mom kept telling me to stop). I didn’t have a bad case of them, I had a few on my face, I’m not sure how many on my body and extremities, but I had a lot in my scalp.  If I could have had a favorite place to have chicken pox, it was my scalp.  I could scratch them and Mom wouldn’t know because she couldn’t see them.  So I would scratch them relentlessly.  It did not occur to me that even after all of my other sores were healed, I still had sores in my scalp.  I was a kid after all. Eventually, most of the sores in my scalp did heal, but I still had some years later.  The ones I had years later were different, but in the same places where they started.  These would just peel and flake skin, kind of like dandruff, but bigger flakes.

In high school, I still had these sores, and I could not keep my hands out of my scalp, of course, in public I did the best I could.  I suppose this had become a habit for me over the years, I don’t know, but what a gross habit. Other than my mother, I have never really shared this part with anyone, so this is kind of hard for me, but I want to be completely honest with you, because there are people out there that completely understand.  I never thought about these sores being anything other than just sores.  I didn’t go to the doctor about them, because I didn’t tell anyone about them.  Let’s fast forward to 1998.

In 1998, I had just had my most precious of blessings, Megan Paige!  What a joy she was!  She was beautiful, healthy, and the absolute most perfect gift that God could have given me!  In the fall of 1998, I noticed a little red spot on the side of my wrist.  This little spot would itch and peel, just like the sores in my scalp (although, honestly, I didn’t put the two together until years later). I went to my regular doctor because at that time, our health insurance company required a referral to go to a dermatologist.  My doctor said it was nothing to worry about, so I let it go, all the while it kept itching and itching, and soon started spreading.

Almost a year later, our insurance had changed and we no longer had to get a referral to go to a specialist, so I went to a dermatologist.  The dermatologist looked at it and told me it was psoriasis.  What is psoriasis?  Psoriasis or PsA, is an autoimmune disease where the body tries to fight the largest organ in the body, the skin.  The “fighter” cells, the white cells in the bloodstream go to the place of an injury (in this case, the skin) and try to fight the foreign object.  To do this, the blood vessels carrying these fighter cells move closer to the skin and since there is no real injury, the cells just pile up on top of one another.  These places are called plaques.  When these plaques are scratched, the skin bleeds, because the blood vessels are right under the skin so the cells can “heal” the injury.  This is just a never ending cycle of  fighting, scratching, and bleeding.  This also causes flakes, like dandruff, although it is on your skin not in your scalp.

The doctor prescribed all types of ointments and creams that didn’t work.  I went from doctor to doctor and no one could help me.  By this time, it had spread all over my arms and legs.  One of my doctors prescribed a UVB lamp for me to have at my house.  This is similar to a tanning bed but a tanning bed uses UVA light bulbs. Mine was a wall of lights that I would stand in front of.  I am red haired with very fair skin and I burn very easily, so I was to start out at 7 seconds on each side of my body.  7 SECONDS!  I thought, what will that do I mean 7 seconds is nothing!

Let me just tell what 7 measly seconds did to my skin.  My skin fried!  I might as well have laid on the beach naked for hours with no sunscreen!  I was in so much pain, I decided to put solarcaine on my back, it’s for burns after all, and it had lidocaine in it which should numb the skin… right?  NO!  I WAS ALLERGIC TO LIDOCAINE!  That night was one of the most miserable of my life!  I called the emergency room to see if there was anything they could do, but they said no, so I paced the floor crying all night long!  As soon as the dermatologist’s office opened, I called them and they told me to come in.  The dermatologist looked at me and honestly told me he was clueless as to how to help me other than treating the burn.  He then told me that he had no idea how to help me.  The psoriasis had covered any place that had a burn, so my entire backside was covered… yes, even my hiney… He asked me if I would be willing to go to a doctor in Dallas, Texas.  He said “he is the psoriasis guru.” I think at that point, I would have gone to Mars to get help, so I said yes and he made me an appointment.  I could not wait to get to this “guru”.

THE “GURU” OF PSORIASIS:

I went to this doctor in Dallas, so hopeful, but a bit skeptical.  I was in so much pain, you see, psoriasis not only itches, but at times, develops fever in the plaques.  This doctor came into the room where I was sitting in a little paper gown, and within 2 minutes says, “you are photosensitive” (meaning I’m allergic to the sun, and light in general).  He picked up my arm and the underneath side of my arm was just as white and perfect as it could be.  There were no plaques.  He showed me how where the light or sun touched my skin that it was broken out in plaques, but the parts of my body that didn’t catch that light were perfect.

When this man touched my arm, I felt the touch of God!  I don’t know how else to describe it, other than to say, where his hand touched my skin, it seemed to melt into his hand. It was such a comfort and all the pain in that area was gone.  No, he did not heal my arm where he touched it, but while his hand was on there, the pain was gone and it felt amazing!  I knew in that instant that God was in that room!  Yes, I believe that God is everywhere, but I truly felt the Divine Healer in that room! I immediately knew that God had sent me to this man.

The doctor prescribed more ointments and some steroids.  I got better quickly, but still had some psoriasis, and the side effects of the steroids were horrible!  More and more advancements were coming up through the FDA, and come to find out, my doctor “the guru” was the one over all of the testing and drug trials.  He asked me if I would give blood so that they might could find a pattern in my DNA and other patients’ DNA so they could further the research, so I agreed to do that… anything to help find a cure!  At that time, he asked me a whole bunch of questions, and I realized during those questions, that I had psoriasis in my scalp all through my childhood and high school, all because of the chicken pox!  That revelation was like a light bulb going off in my head!  I still use this doctor to this day!  I love him in a doctor/patient way, I truly believe that he was put in my life by God!  Over the years, my PsA has come and gone depending on the stress level in my life, or the meds I am on, etc.

WHEN I DECIDED I WAS JUST ME AND NOT THIS DISEASE:

Over the years, I have had random strangers come up to me and ask me questions about my skin.  The ones that I can tell are sincere, I do not mind answering, but those that ask ignorant questions, or I can tell they are judging me because of my skin, irritate me. One time someone came up to me and asked “OH MY GAH!  WHAT DID YOU GET INTO?”  I literally told that person I was a leper and very contagious, and that she needed to get back or I would touch her and she would break out like this too.  HAHA  I was not in a good mood that day (needless to say).  When children stare or ask me, I do my best to explain it, because a child is sincerely asking.

I went through a time, where I would keep all of my skin covered up so no one would see anything, or so that I would not leave my “dandruff” behind on a chair.  Then one day I decided that I didn’t care anymore.  I was me and I was going to dress like I wanted to, whether it be in shorts or long pants, a dress, or leggings, it was my choice, not the public’s choice!  I was no longer going to be considered the lady with the skin problems, but I was going to be Sara Beth Wesson Malone! I had been driving myself crazy about what others were going to say about my skin, and I was allowing them to only look skin deep, and not look at me… at my heart, and my soul, and that was over!  I wanted people to see ME not my skin!

Don’t get me wrong, it has not always worked out like that for me… once when my mother in law and my sister in law, at the time, were looking at massage chairs, I sat in one, and of course it was a black chair.  The salesman pushed the buttons on the remote laying me back so I could experience the head massager as well, no big deal, until I got up and I left some dandruff on the chair, and my then sister in law, said “eeewww!  what is all of that?” I was devastated!  This was someone who was supposed to be one of my supporters, and she embarrassed me!

Another time, I had gone to the nail shop I had previously used for a while, and I asked for a pedicure and I was told “no.  You cannot have pedicure, you have bad skin.”  Instead of trying to explain my skin, or take up for myself, I just sat there and allowed them to do my nails.  I paid them and even tipped them!  I was so taken back by the audacity that I was literally stunned into silence.  When I left there I was bound and and determined that THAT would never happen to me again!

Psoriasis is no joke!  It is painful, physically and emotionally, but my God has always been my place of comfort!  Just like in the “guru’s” office, I knew HE was there with me, and I feel HIM carrying me on a daily basis!  He works everything out in HIS timing and in the HIS way.  I still have weak times, and true enough that I don’t want this disease, but Jesus Christ didn’t want to be beaten and hung on a cross for my sins, but He did because He loves me. For this reason, I want to use my experiences with psoriasis to further HIS kingdom!

IF YOU SUFFER FROM A SKIN ISSUE SUCH AS PSORIASIS, PLEASE CONTACT ME SO THAT I CAN PRAY FOR YOU!  ALSO, PLEASE KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THAT THE GREAT PHYSICIAN, MY FATHER GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN THIS DISEASE!  HE WANTS YOU TO COME TO HIM AND SIMPLY ASK FOR HIS HELP.  HE WANTS TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE HARD TIMES OF THIS WORLD! HE WANTS TO BE YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER, IF HE IS NOT, PLEASE CONTACT ME OR LOOK UNDER THE HOW TO BECOME ROYALTY SECTION.  IT GIVES YOU STEP BY STEP DIRECTIONS TO BECOMING A CHILD OF GOD.  

THANKS FOR READING… SORRY IF I RAMBLED ON AND ON… LOL

No, I am not talking about being financially bankrupt, I’m talking about health wise.  I have cirrhosis of the liver.  I am a 44 year old young lady (hehe) that has a diseased liver-WOW that was not what I was expecting to hear when the nurse called that day about a month ago. Ok, I’ll start at the beginning, but to do that I have to go back to the year 2001.

The year 2001:

I was on track to fulfilling my childhood dream of being a stay-at-home wife and mother of 2 children. I had been married to my best friend, Hershel, for 6 years, and we had 1 gorgeous and healthy 2 1/2 year old Megan Paige.  Getting pregnant with Megan was planned, and easy.  My pregnancy was also fairly easy, although I did have gestational diabetes and I thought that was the worst thing ever!  I had to prick my finger 4 times a day and watch everything that went into my mouth… ugh!  No fair right? A pregnant woman is supposed to be able to eat any and every thing she wants. I did follow the doctors orders to the T because I didn’t want to hurt my baby. The doctor had to induce 4 days after my due date, because Megan was so comfy, she didn’t want to leave her home.  God blessed me with an easy delivery, a childhood friend was my nurse and was a wonderful delivery nurse!  That was so special!

Let’s move on… with child number 2, I assumed things would go the same way… we planned to get pregnant when Megan was 2 years old, but this time things were not so easy.  I had to take fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.I ended up getting pregnant not long after starting the fd’s, but when we went to the doctor, there was no heartbeat.  Actually, in ultrasound, we saw that there was no heart.  I had to go once a week for about 6 or 8 weeks for an ultrasound, only to be heartbroken every time.  At week 12, Megan and I were at home when I miscarried.  I will not get into that process, but if you have miscarried all alone at home, you understand it is painful and devastating all at the same time.

Hershel and I were still trying to have another child.  I started going to a high risk OB/GYN and he did a lot of blood work to check all my levels. When the results came back, my liver functions showed that they were elevated in my blood work.  When I say elevated, the normal range was hundreds of points below my numbers. This was a huge shock to us because I was not a drinker and in my mind, only alcoholics had to worry about their livers.  I went to have my first liver biopsy… this biopsy showed that I had a disease called Non-Alcoholic Steatohepatitis  (NASH).  This is an autoimmune disease, where my body thought that my liver was a foreign object and decided to try to kill it…  At this time the biopsy showed I was in Stage 2. (There are 4 stages of liver disease. Stage 4 is cirrhosis, and the doctor always told me once you get to stage 4, there is no going back… nothing we can do.)  Funny tidbit about my first liver biopsy… I woke up during the middle of it, and the doctor had just pulled the sliver of liver out of my side and I told him it looked like hamburger meat… he agreed, then told the anesthetist to knock me back out…lol!

Ok, so back to trying to have the baby, to complete my childhood dream… I was using a doctor for high risk pregnancies… he told me that if I were to get pregnant with NASH, that I would not live to deliver the child.  So at that time, Hershel and I realized that God had different plans for our lives than we had.  So my little family was complete with one perfect healthy (spoiled rotten) daughter.

Back to the present:

I had a routine liver biopsy about 1 1/2 years ago, and at that time I was in Stage 3 of the liver disease.  There was a drug study for Stage 3 NASH that I was trying to get into.  I did not qualify because my diabetes was not under control, so I had to get that under control and try again.  About the end of the summer 2017, my diabetes was under control, so I tried to get into the drug study again.  To qualify for this study, I had to have several new tests run, including a new liver biopsy… no big deal, I just had one not long before and I wasn’t worried about the results being anything different.  About a week after the biopsy I called to get my results, and the nurse told me it would be a while before they would be ready, so I put it on the back burner.  Seriously, I didn’t even think about it again, until about a month ago.

I was laying down resting on a Friday afternoon and my phone rang, I looked at the caller ID and it was the liver research center, so, of course, I answered it.  The nurse told me that she had my biopsy results back and that I was no longer in Stage 3, but in Stage 4.  I was completely floored!  I was bankrupt health wise!  I was dying!  I was so caught off guard that I did not know what to say or ask.  She told me that I was in the beginning stage of cirrhosis… huh?  So there are 4 Stages in liver disease, and there are several stages of cirrhosis… I didn’t know that… remember, the doctor always told me that once I was in Stage 4, that was it…  The nurse also told me that the drug study I was trying to get in (remember the Stage 3 NASH study) had a clause in it that it would roll over to Stage 4, but that this particular study had started about a year before the others, and they were only taking patients for another 3 days.  Needless to say, when she asked me if I could be there on the next Wednesday, I said, “absolutely!”

WOW!  It hit me several days later that God had worked everything out!  The timing could not have been any more perfect!  Even though the results were not what I expected, He was not surprised!  Not only did we find out at the perfect time, but the drug study I was trying to get in had a roll over clause!  He made sure that even though I no longer qualified for the Stage 3 NASH study, there was a study that I did qualify for!

God knows everything that has happened to us, that is happening to us, and that will happen to us!  He does not cause any of it to happen, but He always works things out for His good!  

 

My journey started many years ago, although at the time I didn’t consider it a journey… I didn’t really think about all of the experiences of adversity coming together to form a journey.  I looked at them as individual issues, but God revealed to me that when I look at them individually, they are not that important. Don’t get me wrong, they were each experiences that I had to go through and each of them changed my life, but in God’s revelation that together they can be used for His glory, I have found a new hope. A hope that I can help others going through similar situations.

I will go through different experiences in each blog and how I reacted to the experience, and how God brought me through it.  I will be honest right now and tell you that my first reactions were not always good… I am human after all.  Still, after so many years of going through so much, my first reactions are still not always what they should be… the devil does not want me to give God the glory, and he definitely knows my weaknesses and what buttons to push, but my Heavenly Father, the Prince of Peace, and the Ultimate Healer is beyond stronger than the devil!